Rosalyn Anne

Re: my last boost. Why are we supposed to be moving away from Github anyway? Mastodonians like to move away from apps and services for all sorts of reasons. I'm not up on the latest tech bro drama. I mean, organizational failures.

I wish there was a button you could hit that says, I'm still here. Just padding around the fediverse like a cat instead of stomping through it like an elephant. Since that doesn't exist, have this toot instead.

Night owl thoughts: Most people aren't reacting to the person we are today. They are reacting to the last version of us they remember, whether that version is current or not. It can take days, weeks, months, or even years for someone to update the snapshot some people have of us. Until then, they continue to respond to versions of us which are frozen in time.

RE: https://mstdn.social/@kibcol1049/116940667584420097 We thought we were so cool using what were then called emoticons.

And when those things have always been present in someone’s life, they can become invisible to the person benefiting from them. I think part of my awakening involved realizing that vulnerability is layered. Someone can experience marginalization in one part of their life while still unintentionally overlooking the vulnerabilities of someone else. That realization changed the way I approached relationships entirely. Not because I started seeing people as “good” or “bad,” but because I became more aware of how often people interpret their own baseline experience as universal until something forces them to see beyond it. And maybe that is the simplest way I can explain Rosie. Rosie was never a completely different person. Rosie is just what people started calling me once they experienced me without so much survival performance layered on top. The softer version. The emotionally present version. The version that laughs harder, cries openly, loves deeply, notices beauty easily, and feels most alive through art, emotion, music, and human connection. The version associated with freedom of expression instead of social containment. Not everyone connected with that version of me. Some people preferred the older masks because the masks were more predictable. More accommodating. Easier to categorize. But the people who stayed were usually the people who recognized that Rosie was not me becoming someone else. It was me becoming harder to hide. (4/4)

@JustinMac84@mastodon.social @prism@infosec.exchange Personally, I like Ben Sisco more than Janeway. I do think they made her the most human seeming captain. And they gave her a level of empathy, especially with 7, that I appreciated. But I also think that I give her passes more for things because she is a woman. I found myself going, yay, we get a female captain, instead of, here's her character flaws.

But because the relationship itself had been structured around unspoken assumptions that no longer worked once I became more direct about my limits, my needs, my energy, and my autonomy. At the same time, my work studying vulnerable populations also changed the way I interpreted relationships, access, and social behavior. Once you spend enough time studying disability, dependency, coercive dynamics, and structural inequality, it becomes difficult not to notice how differently people move through the world based on what they have access to. Freedom. Mobility. Privacy. Financial flexibility. Social credibility. The ability to leave environments that are harming you. Some people experience those things so continuously that they stop recognizing them as forms of privilege at all. They simply feel normal. But when you live closer to vulnerability, those differences can feel impossible not to see. And one of the more difficult things for me to process during this period was realizing that these dynamics did not stop with nondisabled people. In my experience, disabled communities are still made up of human beings navigating different levels of access, support, privilege, autonomy, and social power. A disabled person may still have financial privilege. Family support. Mobility access. Social credibility. Educational opportunity. Greater independence. Safer living conditions. More community protection. (3/4)

RE: https://mastodon.social/@br00t4c/116818137407513454 I did not expect to see this in my time line today.

@CosmicTraveler @Alice 🤯😮😲 That, is, wild! You'd think the elderly ones would want to help enforce order. But I guess if you don't fly often, you just don't think about it? Thank goodness for flight attendants like you. You can be my flight attendant for any flight, if I had it my way.😁

@CosmicTraveler @Alice Given how in tune I am with my hearing, I so apprreciate you saying that. The chick on my last Delta flight asked people to use headphones and in my head I was like, thank ya ma'am!

I think this is part of why I struggled for so long to distinguish conflict from drama, constructive feedback from gossip, caution from discrediting. Because from inside the situation, all of it felt emotionally real. People would tell me they were “just communicating,” “just asking questions,” “just expressing concerns,” and on an individual level, many of them were telling the truth. But over time I started realizing that conversations which were supposedly about understanding often left me feeling less understood, not more. And I think a huge part of that was because many of these conversations were taking place while I was already in a hyper-verbal state. People often interpreted my hyper-verbalism as dominance or emotional aggression because externally I was talking a lot, explaining a lot, contextualizing everything. But internally, it usually came from panic, confusion, desperation, and the overwhelming feeling that I was failing to communicate something important about my reality. The harder I tried to clarify myself, the more tangled everything became. And looking back now, I can also understand why some people experienced me as overwhelming. (2/8)

People helping them regulate emotionally once the interaction ended. People quietly reinforcing that their feelings made sense. And I’m not saying this as an accusation. I genuinely do not think most people understood how much this shaped the emotional balance of those interactions. Because support does not have to be explicit to affect power dynamics. Someone can sincerely say, “I’m not talking to my partner about this,” while still being indirectly stabilized by the fact that somebody emotionally holds them outside the conversation itself. But I think what hurt even more was realizing that some of the people I believed were my partners in conflict were not actually standing beside me inside the uncertainty. I don’t necessarily mean romantic partners. I mean the people you believe are helping hold reality together with you while two people try to navigate misunderstanding honestly. In hindsight, what often happened instead was that people around me were being privately coached by loved ones on how to interact with me in conversations I was never privy to. And that changes the emotional reality of conflict whether anyone intends it to or not. (4/8)

Sometimes I would walk into a conversation believing we were jointly trying to understand something difficult together, only to slowly realize the other person had already emotionally processed parts of the situation elsewhere with people who were loyal to them first. Meanwhile, I had no voice inside those background conversations. No ability to clarify. No ability to contextualize. No ability to correct misunderstandings while interpretations about me quietly solidified somewhere outside my awareness. And then afterward I would hear things like: “Now I understand why so-and-so doesn’t talk to you anymore.” Not necessarily spoken with cruelty. Sometimes almost casually. But moments like that made me realize how much invisible narrative-sharing had already happened around me without my participation. And I think that’s part of what created the feeling of being socially outnumbered. Not because everybody was conspiring against me, but because I was often the only person in the room whose emotional support system was not also functioning as an interpretive support system. Other people had loyalty structures around them. There were people who would not associate with me if I was in conflict with their partner, their best friend, their sidekick, their social anchor. Their loyalty to each other shaped how they approached me before a conversation even started. (5/8)

That part is painful to admit, because internally I often felt powerless during those conversations, not powerful. But hyper-verbalism creates a strange social illusion. Length, intensity, rapid contextualization, emotional urgency — people can experience those things as pressure even when the person speaking feels terrified, cornered, or deeply alone. I don’t think most people understood that I often did not know how to stop explaining myself once I felt misunderstood. Silence did not feel neutral to me. Silence felt like abandonment, distortion, or permanent misinterpretation taking root in real time. So I kept talking. Trying to repair. Trying to clarify. Trying to reconnect reality back together before it drifted too far away from me. But dialogue itself was often a terrible container for that state. People interrupt each other. People debate wording instead of emotion. People focus on inconsistencies instead of distress. Every clarification creates three more questions. Every answer opens another interpretive thread. At some point, communication stops feeling relational and starts feeling forensic. And I think what hurt me most was realizing that while I was entering many of these conversations emotionally alone, other people were often entering them already socially reinforced in ways they themselves did not fully recognize. They had partners. Best friends. Private reassurance afterward. (3/8)

@JessicatheVIArtist@kind.social @ZBennoui@dragonscave.space I have dedicated my life to studying vulnerable populations as a passion project. And because of that, I've traveled all over the world. And one thing I've learned is that the experiences we get to learn, to grow, and our quality of life can so differ based on location and what our parents or guardians are like. I felt out of place too, because I didn't adjust to disability as well as everyone else around me. Like, on the outside, I did. But on the inside, I felt out of place. But before I studied disability, I thought I was the only one, y'all. And that's why I share. Because I want others to know that it's completely normal to feel out of place.

GPT citation log: https://chatgpt.com/share/6a146c39-ce98-83ea-b38e-10fb5b094890

@Alice @CosmicTraveler That would drive me off the wall. At least as a passenger, I can simply enable noise cancelling on my AirPods and get a break from all the sounds, including jet noise. As a flight attendant, she can't do that, I'm sure.

@corbden I freaking love this poll. I was already singing this song in my head as soon as I saw 'what is love.' 😁

Well this book looks promising. In the preface, it states the following: During my many years of teaching in the area of court reporting, the frequency of errors in student transcripts resulting from lack of knowledge of legal terms pointed out the need for a systematic approach for the learning of basic legal terminology. Errors such as "leaps and bounds" instead of "metes and bounds," "quickclaim deed" instead of "quitclaim deed," and a "causal relationship" transcribed as a "casual relationship" may appear humorous on the surface but are not so funny when the fortunes or lives of people are at stake.

@JustinMac84@mastodon.social @prism@infosec.exchange I remember Janeway pleading with him and saying, we made a mistake. And that's when I just really felt for him.

@simon@procrastodon.net An ableton move.

RE: https://infosec.exchange/@prism/116921028018698356 Because they're amazing. I used to eat them a ton when I lived in Tacoma.

@katbottner@mastodon.social @JamminJerry@mastodon.stickbear.me Oooo! What does it look like?

@JamminJerry Sounds like it's time to get it then. :P

@Lino0876@mstdn.social I don't have an official diagnosis of that, but the symptoms do match.

@JustinMac84@mastodon.social @prism@infosec.exchange Yes! DS9 is not for everyone, but I have a certain fondness for that series because they weren't afraid to explore the darker side of the Trek universe.

@prism@infosec.exchange The closest you'd get to that would be course oblivion. That's where we meet a cloned Voyager crew which spawned on the demon class planet they landed on.

At a certain point, the only thing that can really rebuild understanding is the willingness to temporarily put the metadata aside and allow someone to reveal themselves slowly over time again. Not everybody is capable of that. Some people need immediate coherence. Some people become attached to their interpretation because uncertainty feels unsafe. Some people feel more secure analyzing a person than simply witnessing them. But the deepest relationships in my life — the ones that survived all the noise — were the people who eventually stopped trying to decode me long enough to simply let me be human in front of them. (8/8)

@arfy@universeodon.com https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/sj4zcnyhv9ulb2s63cilc/Rosalin-Waagan-190-Lit-9.5A.rtf?rlkey=hc77fysu121bjpbv57ynaq90e&dl=1

@JamminJerry I hear you. I use Firefox for most of my PDF's.

Meanwhile, I often did not receive that same loyalty in return. Sometimes people who knew me well stayed silent because they “didn’t want to get involved.” Sometimes they retired emotionally from the situation. Sometimes they tried to remain neutral or play double agent between social groups. Sometimes they allowed narratives about me to circulate without defending me because maintaining social equilibrium felt safer than entering conflict on my behalf. And again, I don’t even think most of this was malicious. I think people were trying to survive socially. Trying to preserve relationships. Trying to reduce instability around themselves. But when you are already hyper-verbal, emotionally overwhelmed, and trying desperately to hold onto a coherent sense of reality, experiencing that kind of asymmetry repeatedly can fundamentally alter the way you experience human interaction. You stop feeling like someone participating in conflict. You start feeling like someone being interpreted from multiple rooms at once. And the tragedy is that I truly believed explanation could fix it. I thought if I gave enough context, enough transparency, enough emotional honesty, enough timelines, enough self-awareness, eventually people would understand me correctly. Instead, I often made the problem worse. Because more context does not always create clarity. Sometimes it simply creates more metadata. (6/8)

I'm staying in a duplex where there are two pianos. Why? A piano tuner and repair tech lives here. All that to say, not only am I broadening my Southern Washington and Oregon networks. I'm making friends in the music business just by virtue of hitting a button, buying a ticket and saying, I'm going back to the PNW this summer. All that to say, this is your gentle nudge to follow up with promising networking opportunities.

@arfy@universeodon.com Yeah, we do have that effect on each other 😊

@prism@infosec.exchange Really? But they just barely support human life. The weather is supposed to be not too great for ya.

@JamminJerry@mastodon.stickbear.me You can microwave scrambled eggs?

@prism@infosec.exchange @JustinMac84@mastodon.social Thank you! Every time this episode comes up in re-watch, I skip it. I do think that men get railroaded by accusations of inappropriateness that are not always deserved. But don't discount trauma victims just to make a point here. That's how I felt when watching Retrospect.

@JamminJerry Open Adobe Reader, hit save as txt? Enjoy?

@TomGrant91 @simon ... I did not just read you saying that. Dead. :)

@JamminJerry@mastodon.stickbear.me @JustinMac84@mastodon.social @nycki96@caneandable.social @prism@infosec.exchange All right. That's it. It's watch party time. One of these days, I'm going to drag a few of you, onto Discord, and we're gonna watch this shit now that it's described, and then we can all bitch about it in full detail. :P

@RaineyDay@dragonscave.space Well in that case, we'd have bigger things to worry about. *shiver*

@simon@procrastodon.net Oh Jesus. You have one of those too.

Babies born here who wouldn't be citizens. Ow brain. @brandibuchman.bsky.social https://fed.brid.gy/r/https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ogxwo7snwv7j56iq3li2nh3v/post/3mpiwuzl2r22t

@JamminJerry It takes like 30 seconds to update it! Seriously! *smack upside the head*

More fragments. More emotionally charged details. More disconnected observations for people to organize into narratives. More opportunities for confusion. More interpretive layers stacked on top of older interpretive layers. Eventually I started realizing that some people no longer experienced me directly at all. They experienced accumulated information about me. And honestly, I don’t even fully blame anyone for that. I think human beings naturally begin relating to each other through metadata once enough emotional history accumulates. We stop encountering each other in the present moment and start interacting with predictive models built from old conversations, old pain, old observations, third-party interpretations, partial truths, emotional residue, and unfinished narratives. And once that happens, repair becomes incredibly difficult. Not always because people hate each other. Not always because anyone is intentionally lying. But because everybody is trying to solve each other instead of experiencing each other. I think that’s the grief underneath all of this for me. Realizing that some relationships cannot be repaired through more explanation because the problem is no longer a lack of information. The problem is that too much narrative has accumulated around both people for genuine presence to easily emerge anymore. (7/8)