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I know this is going to sound crazy, but what I’d most like in a printer is one where, when I tell it to print something, it prints.
Remote
Logan Five Thousand
@LoganFive@beige.party
mastodon 4.6.6I'm funny on Thursdays between 2pm and 5pm PST.
Sometimes I pretend I’m Mark Ruffalo.
Former sketch/improv person. I love #Taskmaster, #OnePunchMan, and #Boundless (the endurance race show).
Pro LGBTQIA+, BLM, anything that involves not being an a-hole.
I often toot late so select the notification bell if you don’t want to miss any of the 2am zingers.
Pronouns: he/him/his (cis-het, married)
#humor
#humour
#comedy
#jokes
#dadjokes
#puns
#writing
#improv
#standup
#fedi22
4111 Followers
1645 Following
50 Posts
Joined March 19, 2023
Just My Toots:
Alt Text: Avatar:
Big Foot but kind of handsome in a hairy way
Alt Text: Header:
Scene from Attack All Monsters with Godzilla and a Monster Battle Royale!
My Biggest Winners:
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When the universe is only made up of black holes, none of this will matter.
Except for that one thing you did. OMG, so embarrassing.
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Them: I like your fake spiderwebs for Halloween.
Me: Yes…fake…for Halloween…of course.
Why do the people in horror movies always act like they’ve never seen a horror movie?
Me to my dog:
- You don’t need to bark at everything.
- Why are you being so loud?
- They’re not trying to make you anxious.
- Not everyone is your enemy.
- Why don’t you try chilling out?
Me thinking about it later:
- Ah fuck, is this a life lesson?
When Dr. Doom does it it’s just “scrolling.”
America is 250 years old today and, like many seniors, it shows signs of memory problems, has fallen victim to scammers, and is struggling just to stay alive.
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Reading military strategy books to learn how to get my dog to take his pill.
They should invent a shower that washes away all your anxiety and depression and leaves you at peace.
Remember to be kind, you dickhead.
Watching horror movies before bed is probably fine, right?
Them: Have you found the Lord Jesus Christ?
Me: Did he go missing?!?
At the end of this call you will have the opportunity to take a brief survey about your favorite dinosaur.
It was kind of a small nightmare. More like a nightpony.
Half of my job is just figuring out who is being an idiot. I'm constantly getting conflicting information from multiple people and then I get to play the game, "Who is correct?"
It’s kind of frustrating when your partner schedules their mental collapse at the same time as yours.
One day there will be a religion based on U2 lyrics.
I’m not a doctor but I play one on the TV, which my wife hates because it usually breaks the TV and we have to buy a new one.
What’s the WORST piece of advice you’ve ever been given or read?
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My new rap name is DJ Dewy Decimal. My raps are very organized and easy to find.
Let’s not stop at Jimothy.
Why not Bobastian?
Lenjamin
Dantiago
Calexander
Leezekiel
Or how about:
Lizabella
Meleanor
Wrenelope
Bosephine
Isastella
Replying to
@mm@beige.party And they really haven’t promoted the other dishes much at all. Knuckle pasta, knuckle salads, Knuckle Thermidor.
Feels like happiness is paywalled lately.
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Better make a backup account to my backup account, just to be safe.
Can’t wait to celebrate Jesus discovering America! Happy 4th! 🇺🇸
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She was too refined to have junk in the trunk.
She had fine china in the behinda.
RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116842235698409209
Most accurate post I’ve seen this week.
Hot Yoga was invented by yoga studios that didn’t want to pay for air conditioning.
Replying to
@farah@beige.party Press 1 if you would like to ride your dinosaur.
Press 2 if you would like to fight your dinosaur.
Press 3 if you would like to make sweet love to your dinosaur.
Press 4 of you would like to be eaten by your dinosaur.
You never hear about the World Plate or the World Silverware.
In my probation notes my boss said she wants me to take a time management class…after she finally finished my probation notes a month and a half late. At least I passed I guess.
More of this please.
Orkestra Obsolete play Blue Monday using 1930s instruments - BBC Arts
https://youtu.be/cHLbaOLWjpc?si=7me31kepJhadqISx
Orkestra Obsolete play Blue Monday using 1930s instruments - BBC Arts
We are all the goose. 🪿
For those of you with dogs: How do you keep your place from smelling like dog all the time?
#Dogsofmastodon#Dogs
Replying to
@jaykass@mastodon.online That’s just what they tell you before they make you fatter and plumper and more ready to be eaten.
It’s weird to wait to be taken to the waiting room. I’m on the wrong place for this!
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I’m confused. So most people don’t have explosive diarrhea all the time?
Misery loves Three’s Company.