Mind Shambles

Just finished my first job interview in 11 years.
I am a bit overwhelmed to be honest. It was all so positive, but now I have to wait. There are so many factors, and I need a dark room and music for a bit.
#overwhelmed #actuallyautistic

After reaching a turning point and grieving for what my job used to be, and applying for new jobs, I got an interview.
Very different role from US corporate data within manufacturing, to . . . A lecturer at a college.
Now, just an interview consisting of a 15 minute 'Micro-teach' session on a related subject in front of an interview panel, in 1.5 weeks to do.
I am nervous but in a positive way, compared to constant anxiety and sadness in my current situation.
Whatever the future brings, I will stay on the positive side and move forwards.

A quote for a birthday. The great Sir Terry Pratchett. Creator of worlds, master of satire, friend to the weird & different. You are missed!

"Through the fathomless deeps of space swims the star turtle Great A’Tuin, bearing on its back the four giant elephants who carry on their shoulders the mass of the Discworld.  A tiny sun and moon spin around them, on a complicated orbit to induce seasons, so probably nowhere else in the multiverse is it sometimes necessary for an elephant to cock
a leg to allow the sun to go past.
Exactly why this should be may never be known.  Possibly the Creator of the universe got bored with all the usual
business of axial inclination, albedos and rotational velocities, and decided to have a bit of fun for once."

From Weird Sisters.

#gnu_terry_pratchett #pterry #TerryPrachett

Interesting meeting today at my local Quaker meeting house. I was contemplating mindfullness in response to someones thoughts on being in the present moment, and my struggles doing just that.

My favorite Terry Pratchett quote (and my fedi-header) came to my mind:
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has got there first, and is waiting for it".
Today I saw this quote from a new point of view. Wherever we look ahead, we see war, violence and hatred there. TV's showing bad things in every corner of the world, and a dark future wherever we look.
But instead, we should pull back and focus on where we are now, and look to being in the light, and not think of the darkness ahead.

I think Sir PTerry was maybe even wiser than I already thought, and I already had him rated v highly.

#gnuterrypratchett #quakers #lightinthedark #TerryPrachett

Do we still have the power,
to turn the world
upside down?
Is it worth stepping into
the firing line,
risking the internet's ire,
for taking a stand?
Is it really ok
to sit it out, leaving it,
to someone else,
somewhere,
sometime or other?
Or would your heart crumble,
piece by tiny piece,
slowly becoming dust to be
blown away by the wind,
eroded,
slowly,
until all that was left,
would be a heart shaped hole,
where love and happiness
used to glow?
Don't let that be the future.
Regardless of the world beyond
the TV screen and newspaper print,
it's your own world,
and how you feel,
within it,
that matters.
And if you need to,
you can turn your own world
upside down.
That power is ours alone.

#poetry #change #hope

Yesterday was lost amongst a host of jobs and errands.
Taking a moment to digest all the thoughts from the Quaker meeting brought back the key theme for me.
Conflict, be it global, national, personal or even family, is easy. It takes no effort. No listening, no understanding, no empathising.
Peace is hard because it takes effort. Time to listen, self-reflection, compromise.
But the benefits of peace always outweigh those of conflict..Time spent focusing on being peaceful and good, preventing and ending conflict, is time well spent, and should not be forgotten.
Having had several weeks of conflict at work, this really helped me, as did the toolkit I have included below.
I truly believe in trying to be good and peaceful, and the tricky bit is learning to live in a world that makes it hard.

#quakers #peace #selfreflection

Toolkit - our Engaging with conflict, challenging hate toolkit (PDF) offers examples and reflection prompts on how to grapple with and respond to conflict and hate, including the two hands of nonviolence.

https://www.quaker.org.uk/documents/toolkit-for-action-engaging-with-conflict-challenging-hate

It seems that the history currently being written, is somewhat similar to that of the original Crusades, with differing religions seemingly using different books, all based on older originals, to justify actions as good and righteous. Amazing how little humanity learns over hundreds of years reading the same books.

I think I would like to refer all sides to another book, slightly newer, but just as 'booky' (has pages and words, just like the others). One by Sir Terry Pratchett (not a prophet, disciple, or guru, just an author). Just one of many books he wrote, with more wisdom within than most. This quote is from Snuff.

"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."

I think that says enough. Goodness, not God-ness. *Places the microphone on the stand and quietly sits down.

#gnuterrypratchett #peace

Sat, in a morning haze
of sun through
streaky windows.
Cup of tea sat,
empty and sad
on the table in front of me.
My thoughts sound muted,
like hearing them
from beneath bath water,
tinny and far off.
A mix of suspense,
layered with confusion,
hope and worry bound tight.
A glance at the clock,
prompts the putting on
of shoes, ready for town
with the boy.
And so,
on with the day.

#poetry #MixedFeelings #morning

2 tracks from my bandcamp Friday purchases yesterday,
Very different, but fit nicely/poignantly in my life right now.
The Rowdie track especially chimes a chord with the cliche 'I don't fit in', which is annoyingly less cliche and more 'life' being #actuallyautistic and being a prevelant feeling today.

https://rowdie-rosie.bandcamp.com/album/rowdies-half-tall-tales-and-tell-tales?t=1

https://mouthulcers.bandcamp.com/track/prevail-2

#BandcampFriday #music

The glamour of grief

Grief, clings to you,
like the sticky weed
you threw as a kid.
It builds up,
slowly dragging on you.
Sometimes, it's only when
you realise who or what has died,
that you realise that weight,
is grief.
Sadness, leaking in to
your every day,
leaching out your colours,
leaving a pale grey husk.
And at that moment,
as the melancholic glamour falls,
you can breath,
and realise that its already gone.

Finally realised that amongst the stress at work, the sleepless nights of unease and anxiety about the next day, and the disbelief at how a manager can be so clueless to humanity and reason, that I have been grieving the end of a chapter in my life. Suddenly it makes sense, and whilst I know I need to make chamges, look for new work, maybe even retrain, I have grieved enough now, and it is ok to look forward now.

#poetry #change