Bricky

>be me >career politician >78 years old >have never held a job that required me to clock in, lift anything heavier than a donor check, or hear the phrase “we’re short-staffed today” >entire resume is “student council → law school → district aide → safe seat → committee chair → human barnacle on the hull of the state” >net worth somehow $37 million on a public servant salary >very mysterious >probably all those savings from brown-bagging lunch in 1974 >wake up at 9:30 in taxpayer-funded townhouse >staffer hands me talking points about how young people are lazy >nod gravely while wearing $4,000 suit paid for by “campaign funds” >say kids today don’t know the meaning of hard work >my hardest work this week was pretending to understand what “cloud computing” means during a hearing >go on cable news >host asks why young people can’t buy houses >instantly activate boomer policy NPC dialogue tree >“Well, back in my day, we worked hard, saved money, and didn’t waste it on luxuries.” >back in my day the median house cost two cigarettes and a handshake from a bank manager named Walt >college tuition was payable by mowing three lawns and returning glass bottles >healthcare bill was “doctor owed my dad a favor” >producer asks about stagnant wages >"That’s just market forces.” >producer asks about my third pension >“That’s earned service.” >producer asks about my insider stock trades >“That’s a vile conspiracy theory and also my wife did it.” >have lunch with lobbyists >they explain that workers asking for higher wages will destroy the economy >nod solemnly while eating a $92 steak called The Jeffersonian Reserve >decide America needs to rediscover sacrifice >vote to cut lunch breaks >name bill the “American Dignity and Opportunity Act” >visit a factory for photo op >put on hard hat backwards >ask machinist how long he’s been “doing the little metal thingies” >he says 22 years >tell him manufacturing is the backbone of America >then vote for a "free trade" bill written by six consultants and a guy whose LinkedIn says “Global Synergy Architect” >young reporter asks when I last worked a normal job >panic >say I worked summers >reporter asks doing what >say “campaign outreach” >reporter asks if that means my dad’s friend got me an internship >call him rude >tweet that journalism is dead >give speech at university >students ask why rent is impossible >tell them to get roommates >they say they have four >tell them to move somewhere cheaper >they say jobs are in expensive cities >tell them to learn a trade >they say trades also have housing costs >tell them to start a small business >they say healthcare is tied to employment and loans are expensive >realize they have followed the dialogue tree too far >accuse them of wanting communism >standing ovation from donors >end day exhausted >had to shake 11 hands, read 4 cue cards, and say “Main Street” 19 times >collapse into leather chair >dictate op-ed titled “The Lost Work Ethic of America’s Youth” >ghostwriter does actual writing >I add final line myself: “Success is about personal responsibility.” >staffer reminds me I inherited my first campaign fund from my father’s political machine >fire staffer for negativity >mfw kids today just don’t want to work >mfw I have been employed by vibes, incumbency, and name recognition since Nixon >mfw my entire career is one long group project where the taxpayer did all the work >mfw I am the sigma grindset >mfw the grind is fundraising breakfast, donor lunch, lobbyist dinner, then yelling at a 24-year-old barista for expecting health insurance >democracy.jpeg