Fesshole 🧻

Bought a Casio F-91W watch from Amazon as I hate big flashy watches. To make up the postage I also bought some wire and connectors for an electronics project. It was only after I made the order I learned that the F-91W is the most popular bomb timer for terrorists. Hello MI5!

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Tell people I need glasses. Truth is I have a fake pair that I wear to look intelligent when doing particularly difficult tasks at work. Works a charm, haven't been interrupted in 4 years by awful co-workers.

Was bored with work, wanted to do something rewarding, I volunteer a few hours once a month for a charity. It's amazing. A boring Fess, but it is rewarding. Just do something good for someone, it will make you and more importantly someone else feel better. Do it, please.

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Aged 55, I decided it was time for a male midlife crisis. I don't drive, love my wife and don't play golf, so instead I got some bunny rabbits. The neighbours now call me 'Bunny Boy'. I don't give a toss. These innocent little creatures bring me huge joy every day.

I never thought I'd be laughed at for saying I bookmark stuff on my phone for quick reference and use wikipedia daily for looking up stuff that interests me, but today, at work, I was. Imagine life never having gone down a wiki rabbit-hole. How utterly dull.

IT admin. We have a device that can very accurately locate and identify WiFi/Bluetooth devices. We have detected not one, but TWO Bluetooth enabled sex toys in the office this month. Who is bringing these things to work??

Every time a coworker mentions using an LLM for work, I take the rest of the day off. Why should I do the work if they're not going to?

I've created a motivational doomsday device. After dealing with awful customers, I send them an email calling them all sorts of profanities, but I add a 5 year delay. It's to ensure I quit this crap job & pursue my dream move to Perth. Got 3 years left from the 1st email I sent

I work at a library that still issues fines to kids and teens for late books. I don't fine them. Because it's ridiculous to give a child a negative experience of books, & equally ridiculous to punish students for working hard. I always make the fines disappear from their account.

Mortuary technician here. Often take a nap at work by lying on a gurney and covering myself with a sheet. Haven't been accidentally autopsied yet, but have scared the newbie half to death when I started snoring

I'm half-British and half-Thai. A random right-winger verbally racially abused me in the street for no reason at all. That same man was in my A&E ward a couple of days later due to a cardiac arrest. I was the doctor who saved him. There's a moral in that story somewhere.

I was an adult when I found out that the Battle of Waterloo did not take place at the rail station in London.

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Got a bit concerned that my piss was purple this morning. Called 111 to ask for medical advice. They asked me to go to the bathroom and open the cistern. Turns out my husband added one of those toilet cleaning pucks in there. God bless the NHS and their infinite wisdom.

I bought bird food that was nuts and seeds with added capsaicin to keep squirrels away. Tasted it from curiosity because it said not for human consumption. Liked it so much I've bought extra bags for myself.

Visiting my racist aunt in her sheltered housing, met a geezer in the foyer with a load of Reform leaflets. I pretended to be a Reform man and offered to help deliver them, so he gave me almost 200. I threw them all into a skip

Big painting job in a church and the client started to get a bit pissy about my style, so I added his face to a demon in the corner. Don't think anyone's noticed yet.

I started a rumour that the vicar who came in to teach Christian Education didn't have a soul. It made it onto to agenda of the PTA meeting and the minutes showed that he asserted that he did have a soul. Religious schools are really peculiar.

My new boss is a 29 year old former graduate, absolutely hates his job, doesn't want to be here and is never around. He just leaves me to get on with things. Does exactly what I say and doesn't question anything. I'm 57 and he's hands down the best manager I've ever had

I'd met a man in a gay club and gone back to his place for some together time. It went well, then his sister brought us tea and toast in bed the next morning. And that's how I met my wife. She still makes an excellent cup of tea.

I called our dog Tony Blair because when he was a puppy he always veered to the right as he ran.

I did well at GCSEs & A-Levels, but flunked out of Uni in first year. I'm pretty smart but turns out I can't bring myself to do work of my own accord - I need a teacher or parent looming over me to make me do it. I'm considering hiring a part-time dominatrix for this reason

My brother's an economist and it's truly embarrassing to be in a group with him when he introduces himself as a scientist. There are aspects of science in economics but it's pretty weak stuff, almost homeopathic.

Used to work in a small cafe in Carlisle when I overheard a young man deliberating with his friend whether he should move to London or not and was waiting for a sign. I stuck London Calling on and the look he gave his friend stuck with me and I really hope he made it to London.

I've prepaid for my funeral. But I had a huge argument with the funeral director who insisted I had to be dressed in clothes inside the coffin. I have a deep, irrational resentment at my corpse wearing my clothes, which will last for thousands of years longer than my meat.

I've been a wheelchair user for twenty-three years next month. My son jumped off the couch when he was six and landed on my back severing my L2 vertebrae. I've never told anyone he did it and said I fell so he wouldn't have the guilt. I he's forgotten or blocked it out.

When I left school in 1967 my first job was handwriting birth certificates. I hated it. There are hundreds of people out there with certificates that say they were born in Leicestershite.

I hang my husband's clothes on the inferior lower bars of the clothes horse, and hang my clothes on the superior upper bars. I think it dries and airs my clothes faster and better.

I'm in a terrace of eight houses. No.3 somehow got planning permission for a front door porch and a 4ft front garden fence. It's plastered with bunting and 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿. The whole row now looks like a fascist's compound.

I was happy to let go the fact he answered his phone at the table, because it was his mother. Respect for your elders and all that. However, I knew it was definitely time to cut the date short when, in my presence, he said "yes mother, I've washed me knob".

Had a row with my partner earlier, but then they admitted fault and apologised. Disappointed. I was hoping for a reason to break up.

Left in Design & Tech class for 5 minutes by our teacher because we were 15 or so & deemed trustworthy. Found a box of 60 musical greeting card modules, pulled all the tabs, and taped them hidden everywhere in the class. Weeks later, the ones they didn't find were still playing.

I have a sign on my house warning potential burglars that my big, viscous dog will fuck them up if they dared trespass. Except she really wouldn't. Even if she bothered to wake up, chances are she will just sit there and watch them take my stuff.

When I want some time to myself I go and sit in Spoons, because everyone else I know is too upper middle-class to ever set foot in the place

If there's nobody around to judge me, I turn light switches off with my nose. Saves getting germs on my hands.

As a 6 foot 5 male, I love telling guys who are insecure about their height that I'm only 6 foot then watching them get genuinely angry and telling me that I'm way taller than that. It's hilarious how many guys are so insecure about their height.

Neighbour got annoyed with my garden tree overhanging into his garden. He was right, it was a bit messy. Which is why when he cut it a bit without asking me I wasn't even mad. Looks much better and saved me a few quid hiring some overpriced tree people to do it. Cheers Sean.

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Whenever I dish up spaghetti bolognaise, I always give myself a secret layer of cheese on top of the pasta BEFORE the sauce goes on top. Then I put a normal amount on the top so my family think I'm a normal person and not a greedy cunt.

Every morning after I've showered, I I use my wife's hairdryer to blowdry my feet, balls and arse crack, and I'm bald as a coot so my wife thinks it's a bit odd but my 10 year old does now too. So much better than towel drying - I don't know why everyone doesn't do this.

The then Prince Charles visited my school in the early 90s. My best mate served him a cup of tea then secretly swiped it when he'd finished. He took it home and used the cup to wank into for a good five years.

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Ashamed to admit that a couple of weeks ago, aged 46, I realised that birds are classed as animals. A week or so later, joking with some friends and my wife about it, I said that at least I definitely know that fish aren't animals. Apparently they are also animals.

My son's girlfriend visits most weekends. She goes out running in the mornings. Before she leaves she licks her Air Pods before putting them in her ears. Must find a way to split them up

I have some peculiar hearing issues. I can pass tests where you have to listen for beeps. I just can't distinguish some syllables. For instance, I only learned that onions aren't tickled when I was sent to the chippy for our tea.

If I get up in the night to pee I'll find it hard to get back to sleep, however if the dog wakes me up to go out, then I'll pee in the garden with her in the night air and I get back to sleep immediately. Regardless of dog I now just garden pee between 2am to 5:30am. Bliss.

Years ago backstage at a festival I approached Sarah Cracknell of St Etienne, with the intent of sharing my love for her. Sadly, having overcommitted to drugs earlier in the day, I was off my face so it came out as a scream. A shrill, long wail. I think of this often.