LaffGaff

When she heard me sing for the first time, my music teacher said I should sing tenor.

Tenor twelve miles away from her.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I hate when people go on about their phobias.

I’m terrified of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My new job requires me to lift heavy boxes, but I’m not strong enough.

I’m gonna have to turn in my too-weak notice.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I just bought a really expensive barge pole.

Thought I’d push the boat out.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My wife orders so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they’d probably just let me work from home.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

In a freak orchestra accident, I was hit on the head by a xylophone.

I fear I may have percussion.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My wife said we need to stop traveling so much and start saving money.

So I went by myself and saved 50%.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A truck load of Lego bricks has overturned on the freeway.

Police say they don’t know what to make of it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Superman has cancelled his fight with Dracula because he can’t go near the crypt tonight.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I was in the kitchen and knocked over all the mince, rice and spices.

It was chilli con carnage.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My printer complained when I used the wrong color of ink.

It said, “Don’t use that tone with me”.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a werewolf escapologist?

Hairy Houdini.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a guy who paints pictures of bikes on church ceilings?

Cycleangelo.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

Pepperonly pizza.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats.

But it’s just not cutting it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I smashed a sheet of glass and I can’t find the last part.

It’s a bit of a pane.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

How do you know if Father Christmas is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest.

It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a Viking who lost his boat?

A Hiking.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

The recipe said “chill in the fridge for twenty minutes”.

There’s no way I’ll fit in my fridge.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

How does a funeral director start his day?

With his mourning coffee.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My mirror ball and my smoke machine stopped working.

Guess I’ll have to call a disco tech to fix them.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

This guy told me his friend Jack invented the hot tub.

I said, “Jack, who’s he?”

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My wife told me the leftover chicken would make a great sandwich.

It’s been an hour since I took it out of the fridge, and it still hasn’t made me a sandwich.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’m confused, how can a cemetery raise its funeral prices…

And blame it on the cost of living!

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why do ducks make the best detectives?

Because they always manage to quack the case.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a carnivorous weatherman?

A meat-eaterologist.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

How does Dracula find his way around Transylvania?

He uses Bat Nav.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why did Darth Vader search the guitar shop?

To find the hidden rebel bass.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

An anaesthetist friend of mine has just passed his exams.

Next he has a passing out parade.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I went to the bank to sort out my mortgage and got directed to someone dressed as a cowboy.

I think he was the loan arranger.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A friend is making me a burger for dinner.

I'm relishing it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Orange fizzy drinks are so much better when you put a piece of cinnamon into them.

Fanta stick.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

For sale: Watch with quarter of a face.

For a limited time only.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered now.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I told my therapist, "I think I'm addicted to Instagram."

She said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'm following you."

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I swallowed a hidden microphone once.

I ended up with a stomach bug.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I saw a group of pheasants and partridges dressed as clowns.

I thought, "They're game for a laugh".

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My friend wouldn’t stop going on about how to make his folder smaller.

I told him to zip it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a bird with a bad cough?

A phlegmingo.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My favorite thing about tongue twisters?

Hard to say…

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I landed a part in a community theater production about a giant bakery.

I wouldn’t say I was the star, but I did play a big roll.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

The inventor of the USB drive has died.

Thanks for all the memory.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

How can you tell if a treasure map was written by a pirate chicken?

Eggs marks the spot.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes