KevBot

I don’t need a sugar daddy/mommy, but what I actually need is a sugar parent who is my real parent who is somehow wealthy enough to fund my lifestyle.

Hey girl. Let’s go on a romantic date.

I got a surf n turf BOGO Groupon so when you pay for yours mine will be free.

Popeye was invented by Big Spinach to boost sales of their floppy bitter slop.

Going out for Halloween as @Alice@beige.party’s hotdog guy!

I’m bottom right.
Which one are you?!?

People always make fun of me for not liking spicy things, but I will have you know that I drink a LOT of Dr. Pepper.

My wife would make the perfect phone-a-friend except she’d never answer the phone.

I’m going to name my twins Laurel and Yanni so neither will know which one I’m talking to.

For my SNL audition, I’d like to do an impersonation of a person who has been banned from Facebook, so they use yelp as their only social media platform and post EVERYTHING on there.

I don’t know why Leonard DiCaprio keeps dating 25 year olds. That sounds really…annoying.

It’s a modern-day episode of Supermarket Sweep where you have to wait 10+ minutes for an associate to FINALLY appear and unlock the plexiglass cage in order to fill your cart.

Yeeeeahhhhhh buuuuooooooyyyy!

U no I fu¢k wit J. Crew!