JohnMastodonFacts

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It is whispered by some that John Mastodon's powers come from a contract he made with Arybathmus, the ancient god of pachyderms, and that if he does not destroy the tyranny of big tech within a hundred years, his soul will be forfiet.

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It is part of Arybathmus ancient war with Ninkilim, the god of rodents, who chose his own champion in the form of a billionaire whose family name and personality reminded him of so much of himself.

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#JohnMastodon has no immune system...

He has a firewall instead.

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #Health

John Mastodon's blood can be used as rocket fuel.

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Elon Musk was John Mastodon's imaginary friend growing up. 💭

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#JohnMastodon can smell semiconductors from a great distance away.

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Once, when speaking on a video call to see if they could find common ground, Elon Musk offered to waive John Mastodon's eight dollar verification fee if he he joined Twitter.

John just raised an eyebrow and said that if Elon paid his fair share taxes and ceased to be such a massive knave, he would allow him on #Mastodon.

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #Twitter #ElonMusk #SocialMedia

#JohnMastodon calls his fingers his "hand trunks" and his toes his "foot trunks".

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Twitter #Mastodon #Biology

Last night #JohnMastodon reputedly tossed and turned, and muttered "Beware the Ides of Musk", until dawn...

When he finally awoke, he told his followers he'd had a vision that Elon will soon be slain by a group of his fellow billionaires upon the red carpet of a movie premiere, his last words "Et Tu Kanye".

#JohnMastodonFacts #IdesOfMarch #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #BigTech #Tech #IT #ElonMusk #SocialMedia

John Mastodon's beard grows at a rate of five inches per day...

And has the material properties of ivory.

#JohnMastodon #JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #Fediverse

When #JohnMastodon finally defeats #ElonMusk, he intends to send him into exile...

On Mars :mars_photo: 🇲🇭 :space: 🛰️ 🚀

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Twitter #Mastodon #Space #Mars #SocialMedia

#JohnMastodon is mostly vegan, but he eats a huge pizza topped with well done steak, bacon and pepperoni (all lab grown) every full moon to enhance his powers. 🌕 🍽️

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #Food #Vegan

#JohnMastodon measures his nutritional intake in kilobytes rather than calories.

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #Mastodon #Twitter

Leading political scholars have secretly claimed a John Mastodon vs Elon Musk 2028 presidential race is now inevitable.

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#JohnMastodon #JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #ElonMusk #Musk #USA #USpolitics #USpol #Politics #Elections #Democrats #Dems #Republicans #GOP #President #Geopolitics

Don't let the lack of a mask fool you, #JohnMastodon takes #covid very seriously.

It's just that his supernatural beard creates a natural protective layer the rest of us lack.

#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #Fediverse #Covid19 #Masks #Pandemic

#JohnMastodon is rumored to be on the brink of releasing his debut dance video to #TikTok

Known as the BeepWheel, analysts forecast the dance will generate over a trillion views and become a viral craze unlike any the world has ever seen.

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#JohnMastodonFacts #TheResistanceWillBeFederated #GloryToTheFediverse #Mastodon #Twitter #Fediverse #SocialMedia #BigTech #Dance

#JohnMastodon has an unblinking, all seeing third eye hidden underneath his beard.

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#JohnMastodon often officiates weddings amongst his followers, but always insists that all gathered must wear stone elephant masks, and all vows be taken in classical pachydermic...

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