Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
that special time of year the skeletons in your closet are considered festive
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DaddyJew
@DaddyJew@mastodon.social
mastodon 4.8.0-nightly.2026-10-060 Followers
0 Following
50 Posts
Joined October 07, 2025
some of the world’s greatest philosophers are shitposters
I’m starting to suspect the government doesn’t want what’s best for me
personally, i think you look great in your goth gown, your honor
my favorite mythical creature is a reasonable boss
*screams into the abyss
*abyss screams back
That’s fair
i put my phone on dark mode and now it won’t stop listening to The Cure
any day can be a sick day when you’re sick of this shit
in my defense your honor, i did declare a thumb war
Interviewer: are you tough on crime?
Me: i thought this was an administrative position
Interviewer: *jotting down* weak on crime
living rent-free in someone else’s head is by far the most affordable housing you’re going to find on the market
Interviewer: what do you ultimately want to become?
Me: employed
this meeting could’ve been a brain aneurysm
we all have that one friend who likes to one up everyone else around them and that’s what frightens me most about this explosive diarrhea outbreak
one day you walked out of Blockbuster for the very last time and you never even knew it
He has risen!
He’s still rising!
He’s in outer space!
He just high fived the astronauts on Artemis II!
the jokes on you Alanis, i actually needed all 10,000 spoons
Tennessee whiskey is just regular whiskey that’s allowed to marry its cousin
my net worth? idk, maybe 2 or 3 nets
people often criticize a dog and pony show but frankly, i think that sounds kind of neat
sorry i broke out into an epic air guitar solo when you announced your retirement
im sorry my pet rock attacked you like that. he’s normally not like that
the male urge to tell her what’s wrong with her vehicle while having minimal knowledge of the inner workings of a vehicle
Cop: any illegal drugs on you?
Me: what state am i in?
*gets laughed out of the Met Gala by dressing as the Mets
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there’s no way this is the same brain i used to remember phone numbers with
once i get my Nintendo power glove working again, it’s over for you bitches
that awkward moment when Darth Vader tells you he's your father and as soon as you start to picture all the cool activities you two can do together, he chops off your fucking hand
bong rips, part of a complete breakfast
I’m so tired, even when I wake up, I’m already sick of this shit
don’t be afraid to be different. be afraid of being normal
there are two monster energies inside me
If I ever bequeath anything to anyone, I’m definitely farting on it first
wasn’t invited to the Met Gala again and now im starting to take it personal
if we can’t wax hypotheticals, then i won’t wax that ass
she was the chimi to my chimichanga
fun first date idea: overthrow the government
what if we kissed beneath the flickering light of the local pawn shop
How dare you! At no point did I give you permission to tickle my fancy
it’s ok wifi, i too am struggling to connect lately
You know what they say, hope springs the paranormal
- ghost hunters
tried chasing my dreams and all i got was reality. last fuckin time i ever do that
financial freedom? you mean death??
some of my best friends and my biggest enemies are inside my own head
the thermostat in my car just says LOL
the early bird gets the worm but the jokes on the early bird bc that’s where i put the explosive
how dare you snicker at my snickerdoodle