#notagrownup

Now I'm wondering if I need to attempt proper contact now rather than wait? Find out one way or the other if there can ever be a friendship again? I already knew I was a mess over a lot of things, and like I didn't fit into the world, era or body I was born into, I've always been an outsider, other. I have already forgotten where the edge is, I can't remember when I fell off it. 8/n #NotAGrownUp #AskQueerFedi #LGBTQ +

A thought came to me today while working, my brain diverting as usual, do we analyse so much, and look for ways to put feelings into nice tidy clinical boxes, that we sometimes lose the messiness and honesty of them because they have become so sanitised? Asking for me, not a friend, due to the messages we have been sending each other. 14/n #NotAGrownUp #LGBTQ+

Reflecting is hard when you understand more of the other person's view of themselves and what happened at the time. I was sort of getting my head around friendship love in the last year or so [n1], this week has been another rabbit in the headlight moment. I want to say something, I want them to know how they felt wasn't wrong, they don't need to analyse it into a neat little box, but because of my first attempt at 13/14 that should have told me I was queer [n2], and the family I grew up in, I didn't know how to recognise anything like that or friendship love until now. I don't want to add more pressure, I don't know at what point our messaging needs to move to the "now", rather than putting the past in its place and leaving it there. This just feels important. [n1] What can I say? I'm a slow learner, for all the "old head on young shoulders" comments when I was growing up, emotions are hard. [n2] I barely knew what gay was, I didn't have role models that I recognised while being a sheltered late Gen X, the baby but not the baby in the family. 15/n #NotAGrownUp #LGBTQ+

Okay I need to stop putting pressure on myself, I'm overthinking everything, they were always a good person and I need to let go a little and let them drive the direction a bit, then I can respond and move forward as best I can without getting it too twisted or pushing too hard. I know I can trust them. Just scared of getting something wrong and going backwards, so this is easier said than done. But I need to start allocating some brain capacity to actually function and not have a further meltdown over life in general. 16/n #NotAGrownUp #LGBTQ+

I think we are doing okay, today there was a lot of random back and forth, a surprising amount and some of the messages were a bit unexpected. And I'm not always the one sending the first message of the day or after a weekend. We've not yet spoken on the phone yet, but there's no rush. 17/n #NotAGrownUp #LGBTQ+

So friend was feeling a bit out of sorts, so offered an ear to listen. Two hours later I am finally sorting dinner, I can't remember the last time I've talked that easily with someone, unless it was like 19 odd years ago. Went over a lot of things, we're even talking about sorting out a proper meet up next month. Road trip incoming! 18/n #NotAGrownUp

Music levels are ramping up this weekend, I would have been out at a "fringe" event tonight but my side quest means I need an early night, need sleep! Although downloading my brain temporarily into a secure location also sounds like a good idea. Tomorrow is the main event to the "fringe" being a local Hop Festival, live bands in all the pubs and on stages across the town. Then Sunday really is a big one, not seen Bon Jovi for years. So two days of dancing and singing my heart out. Then it's watch my favourite artist/band pages, for who will be first on the list next year and how far I will have to go to see them. Eeek! #NotAGrownUp #HopFestival

And I'm off, after getting into a panic that I was due to get a train an hour earlier than I originally planned I am now on the platform at the right time! Sun is out, pins are lined up, stick and suncream at the ready. Margate here I come! Eeek! #Pride2026 #NotAGrownUp

Halfway along today's walk and I just want to keep going, no stopping, like Forrest Gump. Everyone's has a different limit, different things affect each of us differently. Change needs to happen, I need some light at the end of the tunnel. It should be moving out first, but at this rate it will have to be job change first, just interim, then move out, then the real plan. Too much for my little brain. #NotAGrownUp